FRIDAY AFTER LUNCH

Delusion: My Wonderful World Of Bliss

2010-10-08T10:42:00.000-07:00

My life has been a little chaotic as of late. The direct result of working and going to school full time, trying to get back on a fitness plan at the gym, and being a friend, sister, and daughter is complete exhaustion. Exhaustion to the point that I don’t know how I function on some days. You know that feeling you get when you’re driving in the car and five minutes go by and you don’t even remember how your car got to where it was. Kind of like that, memory erasing exhaustion.

The beeping alarm clock at 4:30 in the morning is mostly to blame. In my fantasy world, I would wake up refreshed every morning with a shirtless Edward Norton bringing me coffee and breakfast in bed. You know, the muscular Edward Norton from American History X minus the whole racist thing and inappropriate tattoo on his chest (hey, it’s my dream, don’t judge). But reality hits when the bills come rolling in and I have to be some sort of contributing member to society.

Luckily I have a fantastic job. And while getting up at 4:30 isn’t ideal, it sure is nice to be getting off when others still have hours left in their work day. I also have the pleasure of carpooling with Goth Girl since we only live blocks away from each other. Over the past several weeks we have come to the conclusion that exhaustion has a strange effect on me. Most people are crabby or keep to themselves when they are tired. This hasn’t proven to be true with me. Apparently my exhaustion leads to a state of sheer delusion and I’ve said some pretty crazy things during our morning commute.

Goth Girl has convinced me that not sharing this is some sort of crime against mankind, so I hope you enjoy. Disclaimer: These are out of context, but to be honest I probably can’t even remember how they ever related to a story to begin with (remember the driving story and forgetting things). So here you go. Just keep in mind that FAL is a judge free zone.

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“My apple fell far from the sophistication tree”

“Watch the face, it’s my money maker”

“You know it’s going to be a good weekend when Wet-Naps are involved”

“Good thing there weren’t any cute guys there last night. There’s no alluring way to eat a chicken wing”

Goth Girl: “So would you ever date someone that smoked?”
Me: “I don’t know…My mom smokes and it doesn’t really bother me. But I guess I’ve never kissed her on the mouth.”

“If one day someone walks up to me and says ‘Damn, you’re sexy bitch’ then my life will be complete”

(In a concerned/irritated tone) “He better come over early if he wants to talk. There will be no conversing during Glee”

“Quit drinking out of my optimism glass. That’s not the answer I wanted to hear”

“I guess we get a $100 gift card from work if we have a baby. Maybe I’ll think about popping one out”

Me: “I started my liquid diet last night”
Goth Girl: “Really?!?”
Me: “Yeah, I had wine for dinner”

“I’m not there to make friends, I’m there to get an A in the class”

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This is just a taste of what goes on in my head when I’m extremely tired. Goth Girl and I are thinking of running a tape recorder during our commute. Stayed tuned for more…

Why We Are So Awesome

2010-07-28T12:35:00.000-07:00

I was inspired to blog about how awesome our workplace and coworkers are when I was eating lunch today. Aside from the great benefits, pay, schedule, etc. there are so many other reasons why I literally love to coming to work. Here we go:

The refrigerator/freezer is a safe zone: In my previous place of employment it would be crazy to put more than a day’s worth of food in the fridge. Of course the lesson was learned the hard way when my box of 5 Hot Pockets was completely ransacked before I ate any of them. The culprit was considerate enough to leave the empty box in the freezer for me to see the next day (jerk). I haven’t any issues here though. On the down side, I think that’s my moldy orange nestled in the back of the fridge that I brought for a snack about 6 months ago. Oops. Sorry mister creepy janitor (see previous post). Maybe you’ll have something to practice your voodoo on now.

If you go hungry here, it’s your own fault: While this also may fall on my negative list (since I’ve gained at least 10 pounds since I started here) it’s a definite bonus that our company caters a lot of lunches. The sandwiches and salads I bring can get a little monotonous. And while these catered lunches don’t contribute to my waist line in the way I would like them to, they sure as heck taste better than turkey on wonder bread. And, if I didn’t have to buy a whole new wardrobe to accommodate for the extra pounds, I’d say that catered meals really provide relief to the wallet as well.

Beer Friday: Since we reside in one of the major brewery capitals in the states, why not have Beer Fridays? By Friday my head’s about to explode and I’m utterly sick of talking to people on the phone. Beer + Friday afternoon at work = sanity.

Not to worry, we have a gym: So it’s pretty apparent that we have a lot of food related events around here. And while I might not be the most frequent visitor of gym, I do appreciate that it’s there. Our interns really like it too, maybe a little too much. If I’m ever wondering where they are, I can go in the gym and find them sitting on the bikes (not pedaling them) and watching TV. Slackers.

If they gym isn’t your thing, maybe ping pong is: Just recently, our company purchased a ping pong table. If it weren’t for its inconvenient location all the way on the other side of the building, I think I would be spending a large majority of my days there. Maybe I can relocate my desk? Yes, that’s brilliant. How many people can brag that their ping pong skills have exponentially improved at work? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

If that’s not enough, there’s always the garden: I don’t really have a green thumb, but I do know how to work a hose and a watering can. Usually I don’t need an excuse to leave my desk because I’m surrounded by my awesome coworkers, however getting outdoors is pretty sweet. And we’re encouraged to do it. Nice.

We get paid to carpool: Pretty sweet huh? Since Goth Girl and I only live three blocks apart, this works out fantastically. I may have to wake up an extra 5 minutes early every day, but the $50 a month in my pocket more than makes up for it.

We draw Ligers on Fridays: Friday After Lunch originated from Liger drawings. It’s simple. We have a deck of cards that all have the name of one animal on each of them. We each pick two cards and draw a hybrid of the two animals a-la Napoleon Dynamite’s liger. It’s pretty flipping sweet.

- Fruity Pebbles

Dream Car

2010-07-21T12:21:00.000-07:00

So I thought to myself, "Self, it's been far too long since someone posted something around here. You should do something about that." "Good idea self! Let's see what we have in our drafts!"

What you are about to read is actually a post from the past! You can read on in suspense, or if you want to know the future, skip to the bottom of the post.

Fun Pop Tart fact for the day: It takes me a ridiculously long time to make a purchase. Specifically, BIG purchases.

Seriously folks- I hymned and hawed for a good 8 months about if I should or shouldn’t buy a laptop. Then it took me a good year to decide which brand to go with and actually purchase it. BTW, I went with HP. 2 years later, I’m still really happy with it, just wished I’d sprung for the bigger screen. But I digress.

Good news kids, I finally decided to get a new car! Yes, just check back in 3 years and I’ll let you know what I picked out and how it’s running.

For those of you who don’t know, I drive an ’88 Toyota Camry that currently has just under 150,000 miles on it. I paid $10.00 for it (that is not a typo, I really only paid $10!) and it is the only car I’ve owned. She’s not the prettiest, but she’s reliable, and I LOVE not having a car payment.

If you can’t tell, I am a huge supporter of the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” credo. So now you know why I take so long to make a decision- whatever I purchase I expect to last. And last. Aaannnd last. Camry has been with me for 10 years.

So now comes the herculean task of picking out a car. It’s just me in life, so I don’t have to worry about hauling around a bunch of children, pets, junk, ego’s or attitude- so minivan and truck are most definitely out. I don’t do convertibles, and huge vehicles kinda freak me out.

No, what I need is something zippy. And cute. Lucky Shorts can attest to the fact that I drive like a speed demon. I pass him just about every day on my way into work.

Here is the object of my affection:

That's a 50th Anniversary Mayfair Mini Cooper Yo.

“Drive with a purpose” is my driving motto; that means use your gas pedal people. And if you’re not going to do so, get out of my way.

Yes, a Mini would be perfect if only I could add the following specifications:

• OO7 Rockets to speed past all of you slow pokes out there. Maybe an ejector seat for kicks.

• Go-Go Gadget-esque arms that would reach out and lift the car in front of me out of my way, setting them gently back on the road behind me. Maybe 2-3 sets of arms so that I could more deftly move through traffic.

• Roger Rabbit: Remember Benny the cartoon Taxi? He had these super sweet hydraulics that lifted him high above traffic so that he could just drive above everyone. Awesome.

• In lieu of a transporter system, what I really want is my own road. At all times. I think that would just be best for everyone.

Car Manufacturers, you listening? All you need to do to placate me is a little market research. I am convinced that once you start experimenting, you will be sure to see the multitude of benefits and demand for these features.

Peace out. Slow pokes- you've been warned.

***THE FUTURE***

Guess what??? 4th of July weekend I tempted fate by going on a test drive, and what do you know- I bought one! I ordered a mini in transit to the dealership so I had to wait a month, which really is much shorter than if I had ordered it custom- 4-5 months, yikes! And the Camry? Well, it has a happy new home from a (thankfully) very non-creepy Craigslist buyer.

So go ahead. Ask me how I like it.

I LOVE IT!!! Even though they didn't add on any of my wishlist features. Now, ask me in 5 years how I like officially owning it and how I’m adjusting to no car payment. I think I can predict the future again here. I will love it even more.

A Word to the Not-So Wise

2010-07-08T08:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Mrs. High Importance Email Abuser,

Every time I see an email from you, I cringe and my insides die just a little bit.

I know you think that you are a Very Important Person, but I have observed you many times and have to assure you that you are an average everyday person, just like the rest of us.

In protest to your obnoxious behavior, I will be starting a petition to ask you to cease and desist. Or uninstall Outlook on your computer, I really haven’t decided yet.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand the need you have to express yourself, and can respect your tenacity. But I hope you will understand if I don’t qualify your chain emails, pictures of photoshop’d kittens dressed as pirates, or invitations to your Tupperware party as being very important. I also do not need to be copied on meaningless reports that I can easily run myself.

How can I put this to you in a way that you would understand? Ah, I know just the thing. Have you ever heard the story “The Boy who Cried Wolf”? I think that it sums up my feelings perfectly.

You see, there was once a little boy, a shepherd who always cried “wolf” when he was out with the sheep. Maybe he was bored, or looking for attention, I don’t know. Anyways, at first, his father would come running, only to learn that his son was kidding around. As you can imagine, this was very vexing to the father. Well, one night, a wolf really did come! The boy yelled “wolf!” but the father did not respond because he couldn’t take his son seriously. As a result, the boy and the flock were killed.

I hope you can see where I am going with this. I have assumed the role of father in this scenario and am sick of you crying wolf.

I confess, every high importance email you send is ceremoniously ignored. Indeed, I will purposely wait to follow through on your email until I have taken care of absolutely everything else on my desk, even hopelessly large, tedious return requests that need approval from the CEO- have been done.

This recently backfired however when you sent a follow up high importance email to check the status of the original email.

All I can say is, thank God you haven’t found me on Facebook.

In summary, do me, yourself and the internet a favor and lay of the red exclamation marks already. If you don’t, I’ll be forced to resort to drastic measures, like throwing your laptop out of the window, and you’ll have no one to blame but yourself.

Sincerely,

Friday After Lunch Team

A Letter

2010-06-15T14:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Creepy Janitor,

You scare the bejesus out of me. When I see you walking towards me, it takes every fiber of my being just to suppress the urge to run screaming in the other direction. I think this is partly because you look like you never bathe. But mostly it is because you trap me in the hallway talking your crazy conspiracy theory talk.

I am afraid to shred documents at my workplace because you are the one who empties it. I know we are on a data retention, so it does not get shredded immediately and I have a sneaking suspicion that you are a serial killer-slash-stalker and get your intelligence from said documents. I desperately do not want you to know anything about my personal life lest I come home to find you dressed up in my home a’la Norman Bates in Psycho.

It was really nice for you to wait for me that time that my car battery wouldn’t start and you jumped it and waited for it to stabilize. I know you’re supposed to keep it running for 20 minutes, but my commute home is only 15 minutes, and I really wouldn’t have minded idling those last 5 minutes in the privacy (and safety) of my own driveway. Was it really necessary for you to wait with me for an hour- in 98 degree weather talking about how you thought that the President planned the Economy crash?

This quasi-kind act was enough to get me to think well of you for about a week when you decided it was a good idea to tell me that upon your Doctor’s instruction to take up a hobby, you promptly researched how to shrink heads on the internet. I was further unsettled when you told me that you practiced on an apple and that you were “off to a good start.”

This thinly veiled threat will not dissuade my theory that you are in fact a mass murderer, just a stone’s throw away from shrinking the heads of kittens that you keep locked in a deep dark hole in your basement.

Today I desperately needed to go the bathroom, but you were blocking the hallway, emptying the shredding bin and accosting my workmates with niceties- which is no doubt a torture tactic you learned about on the internet after you read all you could on shrinking heads. I waited for 30 minutes before the sight was finally clear.

I just want you to know that I am on to you. I also want you to know that I carry pepper spray and have taken self defense classes.

Please don’t kill me.

Sincerely,

~~Pop Tart~~

I mean- Hot Pocket.

The Perfect Bite

2010-06-11T10:11:00.000-07:00

Flashback to 5 year old self

So here is a classic example of why our job is better than yours.

We get lunch provided for us all the time. Seriously- last Q4 we got lunch provided for us every Friday because... it is our busy season and we work so darn hard. Right now we are having our annual Q2 Sales project, and because we are working so darn hard for that, we get lunch every Friday. The Lakers are playing. Yay! The Lakers won! You get lunch because the Lakers worked so darn hard! (Sorry Goth Girl)

You get the gist.

So last week when we got to vote for where our Yay Lakers lunch should be catered, some smart alec sent out a picture of a PB&J. Another smart alec responded with a menu for this totally sweet restaurant that does funky-gourmet PB&J combos. It didn't take long for a PB&J Social to be organized.

Bon' Appetit!

So many choices! I decide to make sliders so that I can maximize these culinary delights. Without further ado, here are my creations in no particular order:

Round 1

PB + marshmallow fluff + nutella + banana + coconut flakes + peanuts (slider)…um, do I even have to say it? Of course this was fabulous. I shall call it “Dessert PB&N” and will definitely eat again. I will most definitely make a second slider for this one.

PB+ carmelized banana filling + honey + m&m’s (slider) …good one! Recommend repeating but use a thin layer of PB & smother with the other ingredients. The M&M’s gave this slider a very satisfactory crunch.

PB + Dr. Pepper cherry topping + coconut flakes (slider) …not bad, tasted just as described. I would recommend, but like the above, use a very thin layer of PB & smother with the other ingredients. And maybe add banana.

PB&J+ potato chip + pickle (slider) …I was intimidated by this combo the most, so you will get the longest play by play for this one. The pickle was interesting. The taste was not bad really- the juxtaposition of the salty dill with the savory blackberry jelly was oddly not disgusting. The potato chip was fab. I think it was the slimy consistency of the pickle that kind of threw me off. I would try again but maybe with dill relish where I could be in control of the pickle to sandwich ratio. Or you know, just eat my dill on the side. Bonus: I was very amused by the way the chip & pickle jiggled on top of the jelly like it was riding a wave.

And my personal childhood favorite: PB&J + BBQ chips (served open-faced)…YUM! Always a classic. If you could tell by the picture, it got its own slice of bread. No slider for this bad boy.

So what is the perfect bite? Gotta go with PB + marshmallow fluff + nutella + banana + coconut flakes + peanuts = HEAVEN!!!

Round 2, all sliders

PB + strawberry cream cheese + blackberry jelly + BBQ chips…It was an interesting combo taste wise- not really good, not really bad. The consistency of the cream cheese with the chips irritated me. And I can’t quite tell you why.

PB + blackberry jelly + BBQ chip + bacon + dill pickle…Wow. Kudos to Ms.Coffee for this one. If there is any bacon left, I highly recommend giving this one a whirl!

PB + cranberry sauce + coconut flakes + honey…Yum, yum and more YUM! Next time, more honey, less cranberry. Yes, there will be a next time my friend.

PB + cotton candy + Dr. Pepper cherry topping + nuts…Well I tried to learn from my last mistake of not using enough of the Dr. Pepper topping and somewhere between that and the cotton candy something went horribly wrong- I think maybe I chose the wrong cotton candy flavor. This one just didn’t cut it for me… but it was definitely the prettiest and gooiest one of the bunch.

PB + nutella + bacon + BBQ chip + carrot… Very disappointing - my least favorite creation so far. Too many awesome/strong flavors fighting against each other. The carrot was a last minute add on and just does not belong on this playground of culinary goodness. I dub thee: “Too many Rights made a Wrong”

So what is the Perfect Bite? Tough call. I’m gonna have to announce a tie between PB + blackberry jelly + BBQ chip + bacon + dill pickle and PB + cranberry sauce + coconut flakes + honey. Both were awesome in totally different ways.

Top Chef, here we come! Seriously. Tom Colicchio, I’m lookin’ at you.

-Posted by Pop Tart

Twinkies!

2010-06-07T13:43:00.000-07:00

Pop Tart here with a confession. As my name implies, I have a serious sweet tooth. I never met a chocolate I didn't like. I also love novelty items, which is why I was ecstatic when someone brought Twinkies into the office. Double the excitement because I have never eaten a Twinkie in my life. (Dun-dun-duuuuuunnnnnn!)

I am quite familiar with the Ding-Dong, Ho-Ho, Cupcake variety of Hostess, but Twinkies? I just never had the opportunity. I know, it's about as scandalous as Fruity Pebbles never watching Star Wars.

27 years on this planet, living in America and I have never tried this confection. But no more! Behold the mighty and majestic Hostess Twinkie that I am about to devour!

Okay, I admit, this is not the actual Twinkie I am about to devour, this is the nicey nice super imposed stock photo from Hostess. Trust me, it looks a heck of a lot better than the one I am actually about to eat.

So, I am going to play food critic and give you a play by play of my voyage into this new and strange world of over processed pre-packaged post apocalyptic surviving pastries.

Choosing the Twinkie: Timid, I approach the yellow brick road arrangement of Twinkies. I size them up and pick the biggest, non-smooshed and crispy looking one of the bunch.

So many Twinkies, so little time. And yes, these are the actual Twinkies I had to choose from.

The packaging: I have to say, I am a sucker for cute packaging. My Twinkie experience would have been 10x better had the packaging been more desirable. But on the plus side, I had no difficulties whatsoever in opening up the wrapper.

The First Bite: Very happy to report that the delectable cream filling is the same as used in the afore mentioned Hostess snacks I am familiar with. I am now filled with childhood glee. Snapped back to reality as my mind has begun to process the third chew. Decide that Twinkie is nothing more than sponge cake with cream filling. Not too bad. Tastes kind of good. Maybe I'll buy some and add strawberries? Hold on there bucko- the eighth chew has just turned the consistency into something akin to wet cardboard. Time to swallow. Phew, didn't need to take a swig of water to get it to go down my throat.

The Verdict: Pleasantly surprised by the filling (Hostess, you should seriously can it and sell it a la marshmallow whip) but horribly turned off by the cake. Next time I am in the mood for Hostess, I will definitely be sticking to the chocolate variety.

Totally glad I bit the bullet, but I probably won't be eating more any time soon. Unless I make something from this cook book:

Awesome.

Wook-Off Continued...Don't Smell the Wookie!

2010-06-04T13:40:00.000-07:00

"We Will Rock You!"

Ok, so I see all you FAL followers (or follower, but much love anyway) shaking your heads and asking WTF (why the face?) Well, I’ll do my best to explain. Today was a perfect example of why we started this blog in the first place. It’s Friday… it’s after lunch (and free lunch to boot, which makes that much sweeter) and our bellies are full. And we’re all feeling a bit punchy. So we’re just shooting the breeze when Fruity-P breaks out this little gem – “this apple smells really good – I can’t stop smelling it.” And no, this is not a euphemism, so get your mind out of the gutter. FP was actually smelling what apparently was a very lovely and fragrant apple, and wanted to share it with her FAL gang. She’s thoughtful like that. And you gotta love a fruit reference from Fruity-P, right?

And then it all went downhill very quickly. We all started looking around our cubicles, wondering what we could smell. Lysol wipes, markers. And then, like a shining brown beacon of loveliness, it stood. The Giant Wookie Pez Dispenser. Yes, I said Giant Wookie Pez Dispenser. Like so:

My Pez is bigger than yours!

As in Chewbacca from Star Wars, for those of you who have never seen the movie. (Don’t roll your eyes. Hard as it might be to believe, there are some people who have never seen it, Fruity-P being one of them, much to the disbelief of Smarty Pants.) And the immortal words were spoken – Don’t Smell the Wookie.

Now granted, the actual dispenser itself is plastic. So the smell is pretty minimal. Maybe some dust. A little mold. Perhaps a touch of Mountain Dew. (I’ll let Smarty Pants explain that one). But that’s not how this group rolls. No, we actually sat around for a good few minutes, trying to ascertain what a wookie actually smells like and why you wouldn’t want to smell one. The hair issue, for one. I mean, Chewie is one massive hairball and have you ever once seen him bathe? Thought not. And I doubt Chewie knows the time-honored rule that patchouli covers not washing. Therefore, hairy and smelly = funky. And Pop-Tart got very concerned about sniffing lice. Apparently it’s the new craze replacing glue sniffing. And wet wookie? Forget about it. And Don’t Smell the Wookie was born.

Oh – and if you don’t smell the wookie, you also don’t touch the wookie. It would be rude and unladylike. And we here at FAL strive at all times to be good girls and boys. Well, at least most of us do. Some of us struggle and would most likely touch the wookie if it wasn’t for the rest of the FAL gang.

And there you go. The first official WOOK-OFF. Below is Pop Tart's rendition. Happy Friday all.

For your Consideration: May I Present a True Conversation

2010-06-04T12:44:00.000-07:00

"Hey there Sexy! Care for a whiff?"

Don't you love that picture? It's like Wookie GQ!

Well here’s a little Friday After Lunch Snack for you. And I do mean you, our 1 follower. Hi Mr/Ms Anonymous! We heart you!

Enough sentiments, on with the funny. Here is a true conversation, circa, 5 minutes ago:

Fruity Pebbles: (Smelling her apple) “This apple smells so good- I can’t stop smelling it!’

Lucky Shorts: “I wonder what else we could smell from out desk?”

Pause.

FP: “Lysol wipes.”

Pop Tart: “A rubber fire boot.”

LS: “A Wookie!”

ALL: “Blog post!”

An impromptu list from yours truly as to why you should not sniff a Wookie:

Wookies are really hairy. You would probably get tangled.
Wookies don’t bathe often (atleast, they don’t look like they do) and probably smelly really bad. Remember the hair.
You would have to listen to their obnoxious Wookie yell as they try to tell you to stop sniffing them! Or encouraging you to keep sniffing them? That’s the tricky thing about Wookies, unless your name is Han Solo, you can’t understand a word- er, grunt they’re saying.
Wookies probably have microscopic organisms residing in their massive locks and you would probably get them stuck in your nostrils whilst sniffing.
Wookies aren’t real, Yo. And the oversized Pez dispensing one on Lucky Short’s desk? Yeah, it doesn’t really smell like anything but dust and plastic. So put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Poor Fruity Pebbles probably doesn't understand this post because she's never seen Star Wars. Not a single episode. We're thinking about commandeering the "stat board", duck taping her to her ergonomic chair and forcing her to watch it. In order of theatrical release of course.

End conversation. On to writing this post and stumble onto bonus blog point: Microsoft Word does not like the name Wookie! Suggested alternates: woke, bookie, cookie, rookie, and tookie. What the heck is a tookie? And in the plural: woolies, bookies, cookies and rookies. Sheesh Word, I thought you were created by a geek. Shouldn’t all Star Wars references be hardcoded on your programming?

Ha- I did it again! Word doesn’t like Sheesh either! Mwa ha ha!

Resume conversation mid draft:

Goth Girl: “Pop Tart, are you writing this?”

PT: “Yeeeeeaaaaah…”

Together: Point fingers and yell “YOU!”

FP: "Yes- a Wook off!"

(Snickering.)

LS: "It's like we achieved Friday After Lunch Nirvana."

And that's why it's good to be us.

As another blog treat, we will be posting GG’s version of this very productive Friday After Lunch experience soon.

Pop Tart out.

Operation Incognito

2010-05-25T13:32:00.000-07:00

No one will recognize us in these foolproof disguises!

In addition to trying to entertain all of you, we here at FAL will attempt to educate you through our own life experiences. So here’s a little piece of advice from Goth Girl and Fruity Pebbles – if you are trying to go incognito for any reason – let’s say you are trying to scope out a perspective date – it’s best if your disguise doesn’t include matching hats.

See how generous we are? We are about to share our own foibles with you, in the hopes that you’ll be better prepared than us. That’s just how we roll. So here’s the background. Fruity Pebbles mom is the bomb diggity – seriously, she’s one cool lady. She also happens to think that her daughter is totally awesome and should be in a relationship, so she’s taken it upon herself to find a suitable suitor.

Which leads us to this past Friday night. FP’s mom had two possible candidates. Both are in bands, and one happened to be playing this past weekend. After the usual Facebook stalking, which really didn’t have the best results, we decided to launch Operation Incognito and go see Suitor #2 live and in person to truly judge if he had potential.

What’s tricky about a stake out is being discovered. After all, the whole concept of a set up or blind date is that both people come to the dance equally blind to the other. We were attempting to circumvent this without being discovered, or, more importantly, remembered. Can you say awkward?

So now you understand why we thought going in disguise was a good idea. Get in, observe, and get out as quickly as possible, with no possibility of recognition down the road, say on your first date. We decide that before going to see the band, we needed a little fortification in the form of sushi. We arrive at said destination, and quickly ascertain a few things – one, that we both own the same style of hat. Two, we both think black blends well into the background, as we both had on black tops. Three, eye wear makes or breaks the alteration of our appearance, as I took my glasses off and FP brought her reading glasses to complete her disguise.

Hmm. Maybe we didn’t really think this all out. The wigs probably would have helped, but we didn’t have the energy to go there. But you make due, so we set out for the bar, which according to FP’s mom, launched the careers of many successful bands. But I digress. So Suitor #2’s band was supposed to go on at 9pm. After gaining a little liquid courage at our favorite tikki lounge, we head over, fashionably late. The band was already in full force at what could only be generously called a dive bar. Very small. We had to slink by the band who was, we soon realized, ¾ of the way through their set.

We order two diet cokes and vanilla stoli, which puts us in direct opposition from the PBR crowd. I think we both knew that it was going to be mission impossible when FP asked what the guy looked like, as her reading glasses didn’t allow her to see anything in the distance. Whoops. I did my best to try to describe him over the loud emo-alt music (you know the kind. Not terrible, but nothing to write home about. Very Nirvana meets Oasis with a touch of My Chemical Romance thrown in for good luck.) In the middle of my description, the set ends.

We instantly are silent. Not suspicious at all. The suitor comes and sits directly behind us, blissfully unaware of our sneakiness. FP finally gets a closer look. After some initial concerns about the lack of socks with sneakers, a decision is reached. One date won’t hurt. Success!

5 Things to do with our lovely but completely useless Stat Monitor

2010-05-25T11:07:00.000-07:00

So in our call center we have this very nice, sleek, cutting edge wall mounted flat screen TV that we lovingly refer to as the “Stat Board”. Looks kinda like this:

"Behold, Excaliber!"

Nice huh? Its purpose is to keep us apprised of our monthly & quarterly sales as well as our phone stats. Great idea right? Well it would be, if only it were situated on a wall that we actually faced and if we didn’t already have a program installed on each of our computers telling us the same exact thing and so much more. It also features the Weather Channel. Don’t ask me why.

Yes, our stat board is very pretty. It is also completely useless. Pretty much the only time it gets paid any attention is when a tour is walking through.

Here is a list of suggested uses to give this flat screen a new lease on life:

The Office- Honestly, who wouldn’t love to watch reruns of The Office? While at work. I think it would build camaraderie and lighten the overall *feel* of the department.
A Yule Log- You know what I’m talking about. Think PBS during winter. Imagine a nice wood burning fireplace and sweet Classical music playing in the background. If that doesn’t soothe my nerves after talking to a real jerk wad who thinks they know our product line better than I do, then I don’t know what will. That's not true- I know a punching bag would make me feel a whole lot better. Which brings me to suggestion #3.
Wii- Wii Sports to the rescue! Ditto on the team building AND it gives us a chance to work off the 15 cubicle pounds we’ve all racked up since the institution of the Candy Bowl. Seriously, how can people be opposed to veal when we practically live in a cubicle?
Relocation- Could it be that easy? Yes, relocating this beaut to my Living Room might just be the perfect solution to our problem here.

What about you? What useless piece of Technology would you like to reinvent?

Posted by Pop Tart

A Bunch of Gleeks

2010-05-13T09:55:00.000-07:00

We know you’ve at least heard of our new favorite show (unless you live under a rock), but we hope you’ve become just as addicted to Glee as we are. It doesn’t get much better than a super talented cast, with great songs, and a fascinating storyline. If you’re one of the few people who haven’t given into the Glee phenomenon, than you’re missing out on the fabulous lines from Jane Lynch who plays Sue Sylvester.

Sue is the captain of the Cheerios, which is the cheerleading squad from William McKinley High School. She is pure evil and will do whatever it takes to win: Including sending some of her Cheerios as spies to join the Glee Club, their arch nemesis. In a nutshell, she’s the deliciously evil villain that we love to hate, and here are a few reasons why…

Our top 20 Sue quotes:

1. Some people like to film themselves getting physical with their partner. I happen to enjoy revisiting the impeccable form of my jazzercise routines

2. I will no longer be carrying around photo ID. Know why? People should know who I am.

3. Somewhere on the English countryside, in a stately manor, Madonna is weeping.

4. As Madonna once said, I'm tough, I'm ambitious and if that makes me a bitch, that's what I am. Pretty sure she stole that line from Sue Sylvester. No, really. I said it first.

5. You think this was hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and being told they're going in another direction. That was hard.

6. I, for one, think intimacy has no place in a marriage. Walked in on my parents once and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling.

7. You're right, Will. I have been trying to destroy your club with a conviction I can only call "religious."

8. You're dealing with children. They need to be terrified. It's like mother's milk to them.

9. I'm going to ask you to smell your armpits. That's the smell of failure, and it's stinking up my office.

10. That was the most offensive thing I've seen in 20 years of teaching — and that includes an elementary school production of Hair.

11. Sue: Iron tablet? It keeps your strength up when you menstruate.

Will: I don't menstruate.

Sue: Neither do I.

12. Sometimes people ask me, "Sue, how come you're so sensitive to minorities?" Well, I'll tell you why. Because I know firsthand how hard it is to struggle as a minority in America today. I'm 1/16th Comanche Indian. In fact, I like minorities so much, I'm thinking of moving to California to become one.

13. Let me break this down for you, okay? I empower my Cheerios to be champions. Do they go onto college? I don't know, I don't care. Should they learn Spanish? Sure, if they wanna become dishwashers and gardeners. But if they want to be bankers and lawyers and captains of industry, the most important lesson they could possibly learn is how to do a round off.

14. Your resentment is delicious.

15. Sue: High school is a caste system. Kids fall into certain slots. Your jocks and your popular kids up in the penthouse. The invisibles and the kids playing live-action out in the forest: bottom floor.

Will: And... Where do the Glee kids lie?

Sue: Subbasement.

16. Shuester! Well played, sir. I underestimated you. Alright, here’s what happens now. I’m gonna head on down to my condo in Boca, brown up a bit, get myself into fighting shape - then I’m gonna return to this school even more hell-bent on your destruction. Get ready for the ride of your life. Will Shuester; you are about to board the Sue Sylvester express. Destination: HORROR!

17. I’m reasonably confident you will be adding revenge to the long list of things you’re no good at, right next to being married, running a high school glee club, and finding a hair style that doesn’t make you look like a lesbian. Love ya like a sister.

18. I empower my Cheerios to live in a state of constant fear by creating an environment of irrational, random terror.

19. I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark cold night, I will steal away into your house and punch you in the face.

20. [Ramps] are what I call lazy-makers. They discourage able-bodied students from getting proper exercise by using the stairs.

Say My Name

2010-05-13T07:59:00.000-07:00

So if you've read our Mission Statement, you all know that the Fab 4 work in a Customer Service Call Center. We're pretty relaxed here as far as call centers go- we don't have a script to read from and we don't have to badger our customers about promotions, which is FAAAAB-ulous.

I like to make my greeting short and simple: "Customer Service, this is Pop Tart." Succint. Informative. Very non-threatening, I daresay even inviting.

Yet, this is the conversation I have day after day, after day:

"Customer Service, this is Pop Tart."

"Hi. Is this Customer Service?"

(pause)

"Yeeeeees."

"And your name is?"

(shudder)

"This is Pop Tart." (Hesitant, yet chipper- this is customer service after all)

"Oh, hi Hot Pocket."

(Purse lips, drop head, shake and chant silently "There's no place like home, there's no place like home..")

Well, I just thought my customers were allergic to listening, but apparently there is a case study that undermines my theory.

We had a seminar not too long ago about providing excellent customer service, and we were asked to list some of our pet peeves. In the top ten was people not remembering our names. We were told that when you begin a conversation, people don't listen to the first seven seconds of the conversation. Mah???

In that case, I think I will answer the phone with: "Customer Service, this is the Queen of Sheba." Or "Customer Service, this is Eric the Red." I wonder if anyone will notice?

And is this only on the phone, or does it work in person too? In that case, if you're nervous, you could just start right out and tell people something really embrassing/personal right off the bat- you know, kind of like being onstage and imagining the audience in their underwear.

Let's see...what to say...oh, I know!

"I have a foot fetish."

"What was that?"

"I said I love your tie"

"Oh, thanks! I'm Peter."

"I'm Pop Tart."

"Nice to meet you Hot Pocket!"

Sigh. Where are those ruby slippers when you need them?

How about you? What are your customer service pet peeves?

Music I am Embrassed to Admit that I Own, but Refuse to get rid of

2010-05-11T15:22:00.000-07:00

Hello World! Pop Tart here with a deliciously humiliating list to entertain you all. And to really spice it up, I have included the lovely Goth Girl's witty retorts.

I realize that this is our first post (woo-hoo) and deserves much more hoopla and feel good sentiments than a crumby old list- but seeing as this is Tuesday after lunch and things are slow, slow, slow at my desk- this is as good as it's going to get. Plus, I am a compulsive list writer, so you'd better just get used to this type of post.

Also, I'm impatient. And sick of staring at my Wall O' Post-It's full of my incoherent ramblings; aka, hastily strewn notes written inbetween snorting laughter and howls of "We gotta put this on the blog!'. Seriously, I should buy stock in Post-It's. I should write myself a reminder note... Where are my Post-It's?

Ok, here goes:

Spice Girls. I know what you want, what you really, really want. You want to blast their debut album as loud as you can (when no one is looking of course) and booty dance Cameron Diaz style in front of a full length mirror. Go ahead. Do it. I won't tell.
Goth Girl: OK, I will admit that this is a guilty pleasure. I’m am 100% behind this pick. I want to “spice up my life” as much as the next girl. It’s sick and it’s wrong and I’ll deny it, but for some reason, Scary, Posh, Baby, Sporty and Ginger make me want to shake my booty.

Hanson. I don't care what you say! I love to MMMBop greasy pre-pubescent teen style and you can't stop me! Seriously, is this one any worse than being a Jonas Brothers fan? Me thinks not.
GG: Even the best of teams have a line. This is mine.

Meatloaf. So I can understand getting flack for the first two- but come on, have you ever actually listened to the (first) Bat Out of Hell album? It is pure Rock Opera Genius. If you don't atleast crack a smile after you've heard "Paradise by the Dashboard Light", then I'm not sure I want to be your friend. Not even a cyber friend.
GG: Agreed. Argument is flawless, and I won’t, no can’t, be your friend if you don’t turn the radio up when this song comes on.

Disney Songs. Yeah, I was practically raised by Disney and Nickelodeon and I still can't get enough. If Disney produced it, you can bet that I've got it- and it's in heavy rotation on my pod. Mousercise anyone?
GG: I’m torn on this. I’m not the Disney lover that my teammates are. Jury still out.

So there you have it. Now you know my secret shame. What about you? What is your favorite awesomely bad music?

The Best Game Ever

2010-04-02T14:43:00.000-07:00

For your consideration, I submit to you the best game ever:

Here's the gist. There are cards. Cards with the names of all sorts of animals. You randomly pick 2 cards and try to draw the critter, Liger style.

This game also comes with a board and game pieces, but I'll be honest with you- I have no idea how they work. I'm sure there are also rules- but I don't really care about those either. What I do know is this: it is wicked awesome fun drawing these little freaks of nature.

This is our standing Friday After Lunch schenanagan and we just can't get enough. Our cube walls are plastered with these mutated little bundles of joy, so tune in on Fridays to see our latest Ligers.